0610 Into Depression

Just happen to be feeling depressed, probably because of the weather, about Koji thing, or just feeling sooo tired and restless in the TVD thing as well…. so I’m thinking to make something, which I haven’t been doing a long time now… I have planted my seeds good for 2 days (FarmVille) Don’t ask – just lost somehow the urge to listen to radio,not like I use to.., just when they are now in live streaming tv… I guess, I just lost something when my crush Koji just mention it yesterday about the live tv thing when few mins before his off.. It’s kinda depressing.. the situation, the weather few days he didn’t poke me back anymore.. I wrote him a message today:

Hello Koji, …. just wanted to thank you for … the greet on my b-day.. (way back) .. that was my 1st time I experience that.. .. and thank u for sparing some time to greet or poke back(no need anymore).. I nver thought u poke back then, I was just testing to c if u r alive or just ignore it..the 1st time I tried it…

I wont bother u anymore with my constant messaging or poke .. its good u don’t poke me back anymore.. thank u for those moments.. you made me feel I exist.. U r my inspiration.. always take care…
u and Scarlet have the same taste in music.. techno, dance.. disco type.. I pressume…
Have a good weekend…
♥ -always your fan

Kinda pathetic isn’t it.. and just later did I realize I sounded like I have no freakin’ respect to him, like we’re the same age… (he’s turning 39 this Nov and I’m in early 30’s) If he do speak or wrote back, he’s like more freakin’ mature than me and he made me feel like a freakin’ kid.. never the less, I like him very much that I cried just thinking that he didn’t poke me back. I know it’s a simple poke, but it means a lot to me. He didn’t know that. A simple as a poke is like saying hello w/o words, just to remind that he is not forgotten.

I was thinking before a reason why do I care to continue to write to him a message if he doesn’t bother to write back or ask questions, even if he never reply… Why I do it, making a huge fool of myself.. just trying….Its because I don’t want him to forget me.. To know even my name.. that is why I do it.. To be remembered, even I’m fooling myself to the extent. And it’s sad that people I like and love doesn’t really feel the same way. To give so much value in them, that I forget myself and that what makes me depress and just tears fall from my eyes while I stare into space like a statue..Everybody wants to be worthy. To be valued, appreciated by someone whose close to our hearts.

Last few days, I decided to stop any activity or sending feeds to my twitter… I just stopped, since I only follow him there and no one else.. and I only got 2 followers.. I wish I had turned my setting to invisible so no one knows I exist. Sometimes, people just need the sense of self-worth from others. That everybody is special and sees this… A recognition… an affirmation.. a compliment… I think this is one among the reasons to be depressed about and we just need to find ways to regain some kind of enlightenment if not from others.. for ourselves. I wanted to shut down all my net connections.. my facebook, my tumblr..(but can’t) Facebook is my amusement FarmVille. Tumblr – probably my other expression site, so basically I have no reason for my twitter – its in private mode and Koji never cared so better I stop “tweeting” and would never open it…

I just need time to care for myself because it really hurts to care for others when they have no care to give back. I give up to be remembered and let me be forgotten by silence.
Just lost something again …. for the record…. I will always miss him and even if I wanted to share what’s on my mind, I can’t anymore for I have said that I wont bother him anymore T_T

*Note: I will always cry to those I care, even if they don’t and that is the saddest part of it.


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