Dead Inside

Posted: September 25, 2013 in Journal
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Sad eyes.
Dead of tones.
Everyday I wake up feeling less than alive.
It seems just dead inside.
Half of my life been wasted
Simply wanting to give up of any hope
I can only pray that death may take me now
as I cry myself to sleep never again to wake in this cruel world I describe.

Maybe life in solitude and confinement
where my happiness is
Giving up dream of having someone by my side
For my heart is broken and I do not know how to live again.



Posted: March 4, 2013 in Journal, Life
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Its been 3 months and ? days since I wrote in here, though life is moving.  I decide to move  forward as well.

My 1st bf and I got back together unexpectedly this January and actually tom. is our 2nd Monthsary.  After experiencing  twice the mishap of my love life, I happen to cherish my 1st bf whom I broke up with. I was mean to him when we finally part ways and I try to avoided him, but he persisted until I snap and that is why guilt caused me to look for him because I realize he never did done anything to hurt me. (I was forgiven and took me back again) I was thinking that I helped and cared so much for these 2 exes of mine and nothing good have done to me. Cris broke my heart and Jun just treated me badly, that anger still lingers in me to both.

(Speaking of the devils, Cris tried to contact me through my mom’s cel (March 1) after I recently changed my number. I decided to end any communications with them, not unless they visit my home. Still traumatic from Jun(Angelo) whenever he miss call and one time he texted that he will be visiting the neighborhood and drop by. I never ever wanted that guy again. Never did love him, I just took pity before since he needed some freaking in help in life.)

Anyway, I guess that is the reason why I got back to the person who simply loved me even I’m a moody, angry person. I been broken and scarred for life that I gave up, not wanting anymore guys who I will go through that “getting to know you” phase. I don’t want to be fooled and be used again after everything that soon or later it will leave me with nothing more than a sad and terrible memories that never seems to fade.

Eugene deserves more of  my love and support after all we were together 4 years before and he is like my best friend and I make sure I wont loose him again.  My heart is at peace.



I damned you to hell! Conceited and Ungrateful bastard! I do pray that aids will get you soon for you to change and humble yourself. With all the casual sex in your life; the hoes you’ve tried and the previous exes. No LOVE nor COMPASSION will ever come to you from this day forth. Admiration will bring them close, but no one will ever remain for as soon as they sees inside you, your glory will soon fade. You are Not God’s gift to women but only a curse of ever knowing as I have known the dark side of you. You never Loved anyone but yourself and so You shall be bound forever to live alone for the rest of your life. Surrounded by luxury clothes that in time will turn to rags that reflects your true character as I have seen it. 

You never suffered enough to realize anything I’ve done that I was with you. You given me that burden and force. Enslaving me thinking its submissive but its not. Cussing me more than once for not doing EVERYTHING you demanded. Who are you to order me around like a mindless puppet? Do I deserve to be mistreated like you have??? Abused and harassed with your fouled mouth.

With just a simple act of my ignorance and a plea for some equality, I bring out the Worst in you?  You never know what you have done to me that You are the WORST of all people I’ve known and so you bring out the Demon in me. You have put me to hell even for a short time that I’ve spent with you. No other will ever come after me. Disrespectful you man hoe.

I damned you to hell over and over again!!! All that I’ve written here are no more than a whispering words of anger, that through time will never cease until be true. 

Holding On And Letting Go

Posted: October 8, 2012 in Journal

In spite of everything – all the pain and constant tears.
The mistreatment and negligence I now take.
I was holding on to something that I once seen and felt in him.
The goodness of his heart and the love hoping to grow
He was the first and I wanted to believe he will be the last and that kills me that it ends.

I refuse to believe then that there is no hope in him to change.
To be unselfish and compassionate.
To trust in people once again.
To find peace and learn after what he has gone through.
Never let his fear of failure or the past come between of rebuilding his life again.
Hoping to be his by side, through thick or thin.

I too know that the World is cruel and ruthless,
but the difference between him and me:
I try not to let the World change me that way
that is why I suffer more, taking the pain of false hope and dreams.
To fully trust and love unconditionally.
Accepting everything that he is today..

No point in fighting for something that one chooses to end it already.
I can only PRAY for myself that I still believe in everlasting happiness
and True Love still prevails in this cruel World in the end.
Hope is lost??….


Posted: September 3, 2012 in Journal

You said I can come with you today
To visit a special grave
No word, no call, no message or form
I wanted so bad for me to see
A place, even if it’s hidden to society.
I cried waiting for you to show
but you’re gone, like you don’t even exist.
My heart is in pain.
I wanted to die!!!
I don’t know where you are
I don’t know what you do
I’ve attached myself to you
and I’m afraid I would die
because you are not at my side


After a long pause of writing in WordPress.
I’m back – Going to stop writing my notes in Facebook since I just want to get away.

Last weekend (long weekend) was one of my painful experience. Too much emotional distress that I actually got sick because of him.
I was crying the whole day from the pain in my heart that I felt left out.
And even now, it still hurts just thinking of it.

Runny nose, coughing, migraine – right side, back of my head, chills, feels like I got a fever, but I’m at work and even if slept, the following day I still feel the headache. I took a medication but it’s not good. Felt the pain again, but it’s tolerable now unlike before – every time I move, head hurts. I lost weigh even I ate some a cake. And I thought I gain. Sometimes I don’t feel like eating, even I have some chocolates in me.. I don’t know, maybe later or something (we’ll see) Thirst. I dreamed of drinking too much water – I don’t know if it’s connected but everything I’ve experience in my emotional distress is all here. Dreamed also my late grandmother – As I recall, she was just finished watching a movie and I was preparing my stuff with the help of my mother for school since I’m late.

Nothing but tears of pain. After everything I have done for him, I end up nothing. Many have said that he’s not worth it, but how can I leave him when love blinds me? Even if he have nothing, I just can’t leave him and that is the sad true that I am going through, because I don’t want to loose my life, to be broken, to feel even more pain when he’s gone in my life. To remain nothing more than just a dead memories of the past.